I wasn’t planning on actually being vulnerable when I wrote this. Far from it. I had a perfectly laid out post – that’s been percolating in my head and blog planner for weeks. Life doesn’t lend itself that way though. It happens in its roller-coaster, snowglobe shake kinda way, and bloop here I am, feeling all types of vulnerable as I heave it out. Warning: You will read the word vulnerable many times.
I was just about to delete my blog.
On a whim, I decided to check on it and saw that I had gotten quite a few views in the last few days. Well, that’s weird because I haven’t written in the last few weeks. Then it dawned on me. I’m job-searching. These people are looking me up and seeing my blog posts about depression, and God, and hot heavy breathing – and they’re getting scared! This is why I’m not being hired! In a sincere moment of panic and frustration, I jumped and corresponded with WordPress about how I can customize my blog so a Google search doesn’t yield a kickback to every single post on here. I mean, I’m not ashamed of what I write but I don’t want to choose between eating and a blog! As it turns out, it’s not that easy. It would require me to choose between a few bad options including renaming and re-uploading all of my images, making my blog private (and therefore an online diary), or deleting it altogether.
I slowly rummaged over the history of my posts – of my cousin’s inspiring climb to success, my friend’s first time at church, embracing the journey. My journey has led me here: recently fired from my job for declining to take the flu shot, wondering if it was a sign to shift my career, and walking in my fairly newfound power. In spite of the loss, it’s been mostly invigorating but on days like this, I feel ashamed of my journey and ask God, “Am I doing this right?” “Where is this road to success? Actually, not even success! Just give me regular! Give me a regular job with a regular man and a regular life!”
Regular doesn’t exist.
What I do know is that vulnerability kicks shame in the chin. Claketty clack. It reveals what we do and do not like. It rips the bandaid off caring about what people think and exposes that area to some much-needed air. I can take a stand in that. The truth is that I want a job that encompasses so much, it often feels impossible to start! I would be exercising all of my gifts – digital storytelling, executing ridiculous amounts of research on things that matter like emotional, mental and spiritual healthiness and how that manifests in our everyday lives, anndd then use those deliverables to motivate the masses. And that’s just the beginning.
But first, it starts with me.
I did what most of us do in stressful situations. React. Reject. Repress. And what good does that do me? It only aids in internalizing negativity and massive overthinking. Vulnerability enables us to be strong in our no’s and chase down our yeses. It’s the equivalent of saying, “I don’t think we’re compatible but thank you for dinner.” A lot of us would’ve saved ourselves much heartache if we went straight for it from day 1, eh? I – we – have been given the spirit of love, power, and self-discipline. That enables us to own our feelings, be responsible for only our values, choices, thoughts and desires while setting limits on what we will not tolerate.
Self-control without repression.
That’s the power of vulnerability. I own all my stuff (good and bad) and make choices that align with my path. So I start with choosing to keep this blog up. My gifts all lie within the realm of my responsibility as well, and though getting to my goals will take work, practice, learning, prayer, resources and GRACE for the fear of failure, it’ll be worth it.
Share your deepest vulnerabilities below. If you’re not comfortable doing that, feel free to instead send me a referral or tip in my job search. I would appreciate it!